This week's blog is written by Guest Blogger: Tovah Dean of TKD Interiors
It’s that conclusion that every relationship dreads. It’s just not working. Sure you’ve thought it, said it, acted on it countless times before but this was supposed to be different. This time you said yes and have the shiny bling on your left hand to prove it. Plans are being made, the date is set, colors and dress styles and cupcake flavors are chosen, but there is still a major list and so much of it remains to be done! This isn’t what you signed up for. You thought she’d have your back. You thought she’d handle it all. It’s why you chose her in the first place to be your maid of honor. She’s your soul sister, your bestie, your ride or die. But now, the only thing dying is you of frustration with what she is or is not doing. You’ve already made up your mind but now you have to execute the breakup. And breaking up is hard to do. So, the question remains- how do you fire your maid of honor?
1- Make it about you.
The two of you have been through a lot together. You are bonded through memories and secrets and have serious history. The only way to not burn those to the ground is to put the blame on yourself. Whether it’s a lie or not, make the reason why you are relieving her of MOH duties to be about you. It’s a classic break up line but for the sake of your friendship that will hopefully stay intact, take the blame for the failed responsibilities and take it like a champ.
2- Plan your words carefully.
Yes, you have full permission to even write it out and practice how you are going to say it. There are a lot of emotions involved here. If you choose to just wing it, guaranteed those emotions will take over and run that precious conversation into the ground. You want to keep a clear head and a calm voice so takes a few days and jot down lines or phrases that sound good and are neutral in explanation.
3- Keep it civil.
Don’t play the blame game. Don’t play any games at all here. Save that for the cheesy bridal shower your future MIL insists on hostessing for you. Just because there has been frustration and disappointment that has led you to make this decision doesn’t mean it needs to come flying out on the attack when you break the news to her. That won’t help at all. Remember, you decided to make this change to improve the situation, not make it worse.
4- Bookend the bad news.
The reality is that this is going to sting for both of you. It’s news you don’t want to deliver, and even if she is relieved at the changes you’ve made, she still might hurt from it. She’s going to know she let you down and that’s hard to realize in any situation. So sandwich the bad news with good things. Don’t drop the bomb then make a fast exit. Meet for brunch. Have mimosas ordered and at the table before she arrives? Talk about anything except the wedding. Then once you are both relaxed, calmly and with a smile on your face, let her know you’ve made some changes. Once it is understood, switch the topic back to something lighter and order your meals. Take the time to be together so that she knows your friendship isn’t going to suffer because of this.
5- Come from a place of love.
For such a delicate change to take place and for it to truly be a win-win, your approach to her and your reason why has to come from a place of love. Don’t axe her out of anger. Recognize that both of you aren’t succeeding and that it would be best for both of you to have someone else shoulder the remaining tasks. You love her so much you don’t want the stress of the wedding to ruin the friendship. You’re already feeling like the stress of the wedding might ruin the marriage. (Ha! JK….or are you?) Offer all the heartfelt gratitude you can for all that she has done already and for all that her love and friendship will continue to do for you now and after the wedding. But for now, for this friendship to endure, the baton of bridesmaid wrangler must go to another. Because really, the prestige of it all is so overrated and it is so much more work than you ever imagined. There’s a good chance that she will be relieved with your decision too.